4 Steps to Becoming a Better Listener
Listening isn’t just something we do with our ears - it’s an active, multi-layered experience. When we listen, we utilize multiple streams of sensory input (whether we’re conscious of it or not) that translate into deeper information such as feelings and intuition.
What does that look like in everyday life?
Have you ever had an “inner knowing” about someone after speaking to them?
Maybe a gut feeling that they felt a certain way, even if they didn’t share it at that moment?
Have you ever “trusted your heart”?
Perhaps you’ve given a speech and felt it went well because you noticed people nodding, smiling, and looking interested? or the opposite?
The dynamic state of fully-present listening is known as “active listening”. This is listening for more than words, where we feel attuned to the felt sense of what’s being communicated. When we reflect this back to others, a profound sense of validation - feeling seen and heard - is often experienced.
Do you know a great listener, or had the experience of someone truly listening?
If so, you know how powerful it can be. Having someone who really listens is invaluable; it’s healing to be fully witnessed, without judgment, in the full presence of a person who regards us positively. It also takes a significant amount of energy and practice to remain grounded, neutral, and supportive in this type of higher-level listening.
This is part of the reason many therapists (myself included!) can only see a limited number of people within a particular specialization. I can’t support my clients in slowing down, attuning to their emotions, and healing deeply without excellent boundaries in place.
Otherwise, it would be like pouring from an empty cup. Actively listening takes a lot of effort and energy. If you want to deepen your listening skills, make sure you have the energetic room and solid self-care and nourishing routines in place.
All of us have the power to be better listeners - to ourselves and others - because listening is a skill that can be strengthened at any time. The skills I will cover in this post are also helpful refreshers to help us connect with others if we’re feeling more stressed or less grounded than usual. I’ll touch upon skills that are specific to active listening, and highlight some ways I like to practice them.
Take in the Nonverbals
Did you know that researchers estimate that between 70-90% of all communication is nonverbal?
Have you ever noticed…
That someone’s verbalizations were light or pleasant, but their behavior felt rigid, controlled, or judgmental?
Felt the difference between uncomfortable and comfortable silence?
Noticed that someone was nervous or upset before they even said anything?
Walked into a room and knew immediately if it was solemn or celebratory?
We take in an incredible amount of information from things like tone of voice, gestures, facial expressions, body language, appearance, speech rate, inflection, volume, personal space, eye contact, and touch. I’m probably even leaving some things out… it’s extensive how much nonverbal communication we can encounter on a daily basis!
Something I like to do as a therapist is making sure that my body language is open, receptive, and relaxed before I meet with my clients. Some ways I do this:
brief body scans
tensing and releasing my muscles
physical movement
art making
taking breaks in my workday between clients
When our own tension or stress is present, we tend to close ourselves off unconsciously, in an effort to protect ourselves. Of course, if this happens, this is also useful information. Monitoring your own body language when you’re around certain people or in specific situations can yield helpful insight into your feelings.
Listening not just to what someone says, but how they say it and how it feels to hear it, can help us to tune into the bigger picture of what’s being said (and how to respond). One important side note: There are inherent differences in personality or culture that may not be the “norm” for us. It’s important to stay sensitive to this and educate ourselves.
2. Practice Curiosity
Have you ever found yourself judging the person you’re listening to, or imagining what you would have done if you were them in the situation? It’s natural to have a habit of trailing off into other thoughts. Active listening asks us to stay present (without judgment).
But how do we actually do that?
Curiosity can help. Staying curious helps us stay centered in the present moment of the person’s story, and steer away from unhelpful judgments or subjective opinions. It helps our approach remain neutral and open.
What’s important to note is that we don’t have to agree or see eye-to-eye with the person we’re trying to listen to. When we get curious, we can often gain better awareness of their point of view, values, feelings, and motivation. This lends itself to better understanding, and understanding doesn’t have to equate with agreeing.
Judging often hurts our true understanding of a person and limits our empathy. When we can remain more objective, we can more easily release our own attachment to what we want the person to think or feel, and instead accept the person for who they are.
It’s a skill to be able to separate our identity - our deeply defined ideas about who we are and what we believe - from other people’s thoughts and opinions, too. When we’re curious, we’re more open to growing into new perspectives and allowing alternative ideas to shape us. Curiosity helps us recalibrate our identity as we continue to grow and develop in life.
You can put this into action by simply asking more questions, such as:
Do I know the whole story?
Is there more to this?
I wonder what they meant by that?
As we feel ourselves forming strong opinions or assuming, we can interrupt our thought process with curiosity.
3. Put it All Together
Paraphrasing is a powerful listening skill. When we paraphrase, we take the key parts of someone’s story, summarize them, and reflect them back to make sure we’re on the right track. If we’re wrong or incorrect about something we heard, the person we’re listening to has a chance to tell us. Assumptions or miscommunications can be cleared up, which helps everyone.
Paraphrasing while actively listening might sound like asking, “does that sound right?” after summarizing what someone has shared, or inquiring, “did I leave out any important points just now?”
When we paraphrase what someone has shared with us, it communicates, “I value what you’re saying and I want to be sure I’m getting it right”. Reflecting back what someone is saying can strengthen a relationship as well as provide a person with a way to hear what they’re saying in a different way, which can create insight.
Paraphrasing can also offer a way to regulate intense emotions during a conversation, such as a conflict. It encourages a natural pause and a way to connect and say, “Am I hearing that this is how you feel? I want to be sure I heard what you just said - is there anything I left out?” which can actually act as a calming intervention.
4. Share and Connect
Have you ever shared something vulnerable with someone and been met with complete support? It’s a great feeling. When we realize that we’re not the only one who feels a certain way or has gone through a particular experience, it’s powerful to connect with someone who just gets it.
No shame, no judgment, just support.
Often, I’ll put this into action in my therapy groups by asking, “Has anyone else ever felt that way?” after someone shares something. Often, multiple group members will open up about their experiences. It can feel as though there’s a palpable shift. The sense of connection and support is almost always evident. It’s a powerful healing experience to have a community of people around us that says, hey - me too! - you’re not alone.
Creative self-expression in art therapy naturally encourages connection and sharing. There’s a more active engagement within the therapeutic space or art studio from the start, which is often a unique experience for people who may not realize that therapy can be so hands-on! Art therapists commonly also engage in their own artmaking in sessions (called “response art”) which is a way to deeply witness and respond to clients in sessions. Selective self-disclosure can also be a helpful tool for listening and responding in a way that supports someone’s clinical goals.
When I work with new art therapists or art therapists who are pursuing their credentials, I also utilize selective self-disclosure when I’m providing clinical art therapy supervision. It can be helpful to know that other people have gone down the same road we’re on! When I was just starting out, I found that connecting and sharing also helped me to problem solve and achieve clarity.
Active Listening is Healing
I hope you’re inspired to try some of these listening skills out in your own life. Or, if you feel like this is something you and your loved ones could all work on, share this post with them! When we hold each other accountable for growing and changing into better listeners, we all benefit.
